I have decided to write this post practically, not in a cheesy way, but we'll see about that. But what draws the cheesy out of me? Maybe it's some people I'm with quite often, cause edgy Sam does not do cheesy. Hell, I often feel I might be bipolar and I'm not even joking.
Maybe it IS the Virgo-Aquarius thing where I can't connect with myself often. Maybe this is what bipolarity is - major earth sun sign and air moon sign difference. Poof, Sasstrology.
I have also decided 'cheesy' will not be a thing for me anymore. I will call cheesy things 'poetic' or 'unexplainably logical' from now on so it makes the cheeseball feel special and appreciated.
Anyway…
My favorite kind of people are the ones who listen and seem to be bothered about a lot of my logic, spirituality, emotions and trash, which feels good but is not a simple 4-incident conversation. I cannot stop when I talk, they cannot talk when they stop. Either way, it's comfortable for me to be there, and I say this in the most practical sense.
Sometimes one just cannot explain why they came to a certain 'logical' conclusion, they just know it's right. Maybe I was never logical like some people I know, one reason why I couldn't relate with them. I was sometimes more intuitive than logical but could never explain why, because ironically, that's what intuition is. Although, things like this that I write indicate inductivity...
I always thought people with intuition had a sudden magical revelation when they came to an unexplainable conclusion. But now that I've learnt this about myself and have incidents to confirm it, I can say it feels nothing more than just about any other thought one could have in a day.
Maybe that's why people sometimes can't explain why they're feeling a certain way.
My brain has now come up with an equation.
Comfort = Logic + spirituality + emotions + trash
And if we substitute comfort with home
Then, Home = Logic + spirituality + emotions + trash
Is it a coincidence we have a designated space or two for all four of these in our home? All this would mean I can literally prove it with an emotional mathematics equation (don't @ me, nerds).
This post has so far been a fine example of my two sides- logical and intuitive- trying to come out and overpower each other.
Either way, it is our home where we feel and can act the most like ourselves.
But what IS a home? Is it where the heart is? Is it something that is made, not built? Is it a happy place? Am I a genius? Probably neither.
It is not balance or stability, both of which are subjective. Both of them lead to content, which is happiness. But the contentment a home provides is much different to balance. It does not 'fix' you, it heals you. The healing that comes out of it is always tasteful; it is often something you didn't know you needed but boy, does it feel good to experience.
It lets you stay as long as you need, takes everything you give it. It doesn't complain. It's like a sponge for your energy. It is catharsis. It is everything that makes you conventionally 'unproductive' at times, yet mentally healthy, which is not a loss whatsoever.
Home to me is where I can be completely, unapologetically myself. It is where I can feel true and real because I know I'm not being judged. It is not a happy place. It is happy when I'm happy and sad when I'm sad. It is the reflection of me. It is me, and everything that is like me.
I want to find my home.
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